It has been some time since I wrote something decent relating to operational work, MMA or training. This has been by design; my operational work has been all over the place; duties and hours wise. As a result, training has been sporadic; but the trade off is the oft referred post fight injury recovery has been steadily healing. Some residual tenderness, nothing major, and some tendonitis in the Achilles, but nothing to write home about.
I find myself at a crossroads, needing to choose the direction my martial art and gym training is going to go. There’s a certain thrill in the unknown, though, and certainly far preferable to the faux safety of stagnation. I feel, perhaps, 4 more weeks to consolidate recovery, ops and training gains, and perhaps it will be again time to look to distant shores ops wise. In retrospect, I know now my recent agitation and restlessness is stemming from not traveling. I think it is overdue time to resolve this, for my own peace.
I have begun getting a lot more requests to teach MMA, Officer Safety, and general fitness again. I’m still a little uncomfortable with taking up a coaching mantle again, and I’m not sure if any teaching will come. I recall stating to a person I care for immensely, in an email some time ago;
'…I cannot be Master to anybody else. Because I am not yet Master of myself.'
This still rings true. As each day, or incident, goes by, I become more convinced; my niche is in reaction tactics. Response. Actions On.
To become like me, means one would have to walk in my shoes. I would not inflict this on anybody by choice. Am I being self centred or arrogant? Perhaps so, but I would be remiss to deny how I feel.
Another conversation with a person during ops this week;
'… You see me here, to look at me while I coexist with you in this place, you would never know that deep down within my heart of hearts, there is a darkness so absolute, all encompassing. I've learned over the years that to control it, I keep it as part of me, do not deny it, as I do not deny the light that is also in my soul. But you will never see me unleash that darkness here. There are no circumstances that will arise here where I will let that Beast of its chain. It will ultimately consume me. Better to let the light do it's work. Besides, here there are too many Alpha types trying to make a name for themselves, rightly or wrongly. It is their time. Not mine. I choose to walk quietly with my eyes open; in the shadows nonetheless, but quietly just the same…'
Return to my roots to study the 9 ryuha? Or to the thumping musica beats of my capoeirasta soul? Flutes and cord, crashing limbs? The east meets west scientific Way of no limitation as limitation? Or the modern day trends trapped in an 8 sided caged circle? The hardware and tech of tactics? Or something new from the yet to be discovered shores?
Come what may. A eucalyptus leaf, blowing with the breeze.
Come what may.